Nerd Talk: Five robots that can take your day job

You're gonna wanna punch these jerks in their dumb robot faces.

May 11, 2017


No matter what job you do today, it’s likely that you’re super screwed and we have robots to blame. Not robots like living tissue over metal endoskeleton - or forget the skin, a silver machine of death carrying a laser chain gun, no, not like that. More like “I don’t have to consume food that I like and turn it to poop every eight to ten hours” or “these 9000-hour days are never too long” type systems.

I’m definitely the first person to assume that while we get lazier and fatter and the robots start doing all our jobs, that they won’t stop and watch. I’ve seen Terminator 2. Yes, I base almost all of my thoughts on robots on the likelihood they will one day crush us. Or at best case, we end up Wall-E’d.

Here are five jobs where you better own the robot that is replacing you:

Burger Flipper
Listen, you’re the first type of job to be replaced by robots. While it teaches a great lesson about having to work a crap gig and deal with it, you’re flipping a burger. Let Flippy do the job without giving the manager the flippy and walking out one Tuesday when his weed wears off. Flippy doesn’t quit and Flippy doesn’t slip on the wet floor hitting it’s head on the walk-in fridge before suing his employer. Also, how a big a stretch is it to strap a couple more robot arms onto Flippy’s butt and have it operate the deep fryer? Also, this monster is called Flippy - that's a cute name... FOR A LABRADOR.

Food Delivery Worker
Be it by air or by rolling robot, the future of food delivery does not involve your squishy meat sack of a body. Instead, a small pizza carrying, toe rolling over, food delivery-bot soon will be coming to your rescue. Let’s hope they teach it to recognize dog turds on the sidewalk so it doesn’t track literal crap everywhere. Maybe put a small disintegrator on board to zap it away? Strike that, no disintegrations, that sounds like how the robots end up dealing with humans that are in their “delivery path”. For my suburban or rural delivery friend, your job is still not safe thanks to autonomous drone delivery. You probably have longer before it’s over, the FAA will eventually be paid off by Amazon someone with enough money to make drone delivery legal. Until then, better get busy training eagles to hunt your replacement.

Saul Goodman
Back when you were simply known as Jimmy, you had to show up for the lamest of court dates to defend people on the most mundane - not anymore, Jack. Now there’s an AI for that. Basic legal processing is about to meet its match thanks to artificial intelligence like DoNotPay bot - a bot that will fight parking tickets for you. It’s been wildly successful, too, contesting and winning more than 160,000 cases. Before you know it, you’ll be pumping quarters into a machine that will keep you from paying that public urination fine thanks to a data loophole. I’m calling it DoNotPee bot…

So, you’re a dog. That’s your job. You’re chasing cats and burying bones, sniffin’ butts and licking weird stuff - well, tough shit, Flippy, you’re fired. That’s because the creeps at Boston Dynamics are making wake-up-screaming-and-covered-in-sweat robot dogs. While it’s totally uncool to ever hurt specifically kick a dog, this stupid robot doesn’t give two tightly curled turds about your kicks.

One day Spot is going to learn to kick back

Not cool! Real dog has some reservations about this robot:

Radio Host
DANG IT. Thomas Jefferson evidently was a terrible public speaker but a pretty rad writer (see Declaration of Independence). It’s a pretty common idea - most people when faced with public speaking would rather fight a pony sized lobster using only a strong man fair mallet - but thanks to artificial intelligence, soon you’ll be able to make some overly caffeinated morning DJ say whatever the nuts you like. All it needs is sixty seconds of their easily recordable from the radio voice and then you can start typing whatever you’d like it to say for you - probably just teenagers on the internet making the robot host say “poop” a bunch or "send nudes".

This is just he tip of the iceberg. While maybe this list doesn’t effect you yet, at some point you’ll be unemployable because you don’t fall under the "it's what's best for efficiency" policy of Robo President 01010100|01110010|01110101|01101101|01110000|00001101. Then there’s no money and thusly no one buys tasty hamburgers or anything because we’re dead. Flippy goes into low power mode happy that unpredictability in humans has been eliminated. Earth, with a giant sigh of relief, spends the next 110 million years repairing itself. The ozone heals and the reefs grow back.

Huh, what do you know? Robots saved the planet.